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Coming Out Transgender
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Coming out at any time is a difficult process, and the decision when to, or even whether to come out is a highly personal one that depends as much on the individual as the individual's circumstances. For our transgender children, the decision is sometimes so difficult that they will go into deep hiding and never emerge until much later in life... sometimes in their 40's or 50's. Those transgender individuals who eventually find the greatest happiness in their lives are those who were able to come to grips with their gender identity early in life, and who have had a supportive family environment in which to grow into their gender role. It is perfectly natural for all children to play dress-up with the clothing of their parents, regardless of sex. But as children grow older, and they continue to identify as the gender opposite to the one they were born into, it is important to listen to them and allow them the space to explore their identity. Most will grow out of it. Many will eventually come to realize that they are gay or lesbian. But some may truly be transgender. It is not something that you as parents did to your child... it is something they were born with, and it is who they are as a person. Being transgender is different than being gay or lesbian. Being transgender doesn't refer to the person you are attracted to... that is your sexual orientation. Being transgender refers to how you feel about yourself as a person, how you see yourself fitting into society. Sexual orientation and gender identity are entirely independent concepts. A trans-girl (i.e. male-to-female) or trans-boy (i.e. female-to-male) may be attracted to boys, girls, or both. It would be a mistake to make assumptions about his or her sexual orientation on the basis of gender expression. As a transgender woman who transitioned later in life, I am often asked what is the major difference between trans-adults and trans-youth. My best reply is that those who transitioned later in life were able to develop coping mechanisms that allowed them to hide their true gender identity and not lose the love of their family. Trans-youth didn't have that option. Gender identity is an extremely strong motivating factor in one's life, and trans-youth are merely presenting an honest expression of who they are. The problems start when others refuse to accept the fact that a transgender child's gender is a valid identity. There is confusion about gender identity and sexual orientation. Although the two concepts are different, transgender youth are often identified as gay, and are typically tormented by classmates and on the streets. The situation becomes dangerous when parents reject their child's gender identity, and refuse to allow him or her to express that identity, or, worst of all, abandon's their child to the streets. Trapped in the world between genders, not quite fitting in with either, not having a legal home or even a legal name that coincides with their gender, these youth are targets for hate crimes and violence. They will often turn to those who promise to help, but typically take advantage of their circumstances. If you have a transgender child, or if your child is questioning his or her identity, all they need is your love and support. It is possible to be transgender and have a happy, well-adjusted life. And there are resources available to help both you and your child. Illinois Gender Advocates has a special youth initiative called TYRA (Trans Youth Resources and Advocacy). We sponsor a weekly drop-in center for transgender youth between the ages of 14 and 20, and we advocate for transgender youth at social service agencies and schools. Please call us at 312-217-1120 with any questions or concerns.
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